Tuesday, June 17, 2008

a bottle of jack says something i've always known

"It's all about timing."

In the last several years, I've come to discover that life is not just about good or bad things coming into your life. That that blanket statement can't work without a context to lie within. Depending on where you are or how you feel at that moment is how events get defined in the dictionary of your life.

Events, people, and situations are not the same when we are happy or sad, but they become so when we pick them apart after the fact.

Timing is the essence on which situations ride. Amazing things can come our way, but if we're not ready for them, or don't want them, or can't appreciate them, then they might as well never come our way.

The manic state of this depression I fight says, "No matter what you do, it won't be what you want it to be".

The Buddha-Dharma would say I am not awake. But, I am.

I understand that I must see situations for what they are and not what I want them to be. However, I'm human. Then, I'm a female. Somehow, I think this understanding is harder for women to grasp than it is for men. No, I'm not saying men are better. But I do think they're better equipped with a "moving on" mentality. The matter of the fact is that they are hunters. And we nest. It makes perfect sense.

And don't misunderstand this rant to be anything about relationships. Because it's not.

I think it's about resistance.
About placing past experiences into the present. About fighting a battle that doesn't exist anymore. About being afraid to feel because we carry the knowledge of where the finish line lies.

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I'm just staring at the keys looking to make some noise.

I want to lie down and stayed spooned forever.

I want to find something that understands these highs and lows that I can't explain and thought I was done with. I want to hold in my arms a feeling of something good. I guess this is a step up from feeling so low for so long. These back and forths are only an indication of what I've traveled past and keep traveling from.

Sometimes being lost is a lot easier than remaining found.

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