"I" vs. "We"

I know this about myself.
My family and friends know this about me.
But explaining something to a new friend allowed me to see it in a different light:
I have always been an "I"; I have never been a "We".

By this I mean, I have never been the type of female who replaces what "I" do with what "We" do.

Though a lot of my youth has been spent inside the beautiful world of "coupledom", I have never been a super "couple-y" individual. 

I've never done the "Let's dress up as another couple" routine for Halloween or be the one to say "Let's move in together" - these things just never occurred to me to do. Maybe I'm missing out on something amazing because almost every couple seems to want these things.

Maybe I'm the mutant.

But then again, maybe I just don't need to do "couple-y" things to validate my position in a relationship. *shrug*

Who knows?

What I do know is my personal space is very valuable to me, as is my individual identity, so whenever I was "in" a relationship, though I may have spent an abundant amount of my time with my boy, I always had "Joey" time.

Then this thought elaborated and stretched into something more; into something I'd been contemplating for some time but could not put my finger on until that moment.

I really believe I have never been in love.

Yes, I've been in several relationships where the word "love" was used, but something was missing from the situations: my longing for and acceptance of sincere affection.
I'm not touchy-feely. I don't hug everyone I meet. So it would stand to reason that my affection is something to be won and gained after trust is established and consequently offered in private and not childishly thrown around for everyone to witness. I've never been too into public displays of affection - maybe holding hands and the occasional kiss and hug, but never anything over the top. There was one relationship where we were publicly affectionate - overly affectionate, in fact - but that was because we had nothing else in common. It was a disaster from the very beginning; I don't believe there was ever love between us and fun sex was the only reason we had to be together. Because if we truly loved each other, why on fucking earth would we do those things to one another? But I digress.

In most relationships, I didn't need or care for affection and kind of brushed it off when offered - don't hug me too long cuz I'll stop breathing! - because I was secure in the situation and our feelings for each other, but then in that one relationship I needed to "fake" the affection because I had no other single entity that proved it was true. I was given no reassurance that my needs (trust, honesty, keeping of word) for that relationship to work would be met, and they never were, and thus I left.

Now I can't help but think about how it feels to really be in love.
The welcoming and exchanging of sincere affection whenever we please and the knowledge that the hugs and kisses aren't a band-aid to cover up something that can't be fixed. That sounds like pretty nice idea.

And even though I won't be in a relationship for quite some time - I'm totally committed to experiencing this dating thing everyone keeps telling me about - I look forward to what awaits me when I'm ready to be a couple once again.


Listening to: "Keep Yourself Warm" by Frightened Rabbit

*Cartoon courtesy of Left-Handed Cartoons.