The Irony

He called.
I answered.
We cried.


Back to day 1.

268 Days Sober

One never ever truly overcomes an addiction. An individual only learns how to better deal with the emotions and intense desire to satisfy that craving. One learns to hold themselves back. One learns discipline.

No matter the situation, a person is never the same after addiction.
Even if they tried to get back to their everyday - doing the same things they did before everything happened - they will never feel the same because they will never be the same. The void, no matter how big or small, will be forever felt and never filled.

It's been 268 days.

I can let go of it as much as I want.
I can do what I do best and go ahead and try to run from it.
Or do what I do better, face it straight ahead risking even further injury.
But it doesn't matter what I do or where I go, because it will always find me.

But today is different from yesterday, because today I can do what I could not do yesterday. Today, I can see the beauty of what was, even in all its ugliness, and appreciate what it has given me: the opportunity to know that no matter how deep a hole I fall into, I will still have the strength to claw my way out, the humility to dust myself off, and the grace to keep going and move on with my life.

why is everyone looking for "the one"?

It seems as if everyone wants to be paired up these days; and when I mean everyone, I mean most of the women - many as young as 24 - I'm coming into random contact with.

As these ladies tell me about their pursuit of "him", I wonder why these 24 year old women have such a strong desire to get married at a young age. I suppose it may be because they don't think that 24 is a young age but rather think that it's the "right" age.

<--I just had to place this here :)
I think back to when I was a single 24 yr old, marriage was the furthest thing from my mind (much like today); back then I had just ended a 3 1/2 year relationship with my best friend. That relationship was a wonderful part of my life and being with him helped me understand why people would want to marry - so much so that I thought I wanted to marry him, but, in the end, I realized that that was just not the case and my needs and wants took me elsewhere (as they always do). This being the case, when I was single once again, marriage wasn't even a word in my vocabulary, so it comes as quite a surprise to witness single women as young as 24 looking to get hitched.

AND, it's not only women - I'm meeting more men who are all about marriage. Maybe it's a line, maybe it's not. All I know is that more men are talking about it. Maybe it's because most of the men I know are in their 30's and are ready to settle down. Who knows?

Personally, I'm not exactly sure how I feel about the institution that is "marriage". I do however understand the concept of two people coming together and agreeing that their individual lives should run parallel with one another but maintain a connection to the other; kind of like the double helix of DNA. I call this beautiful idea "separate togetherness".

I guess this post mostly has to do with how I've never understood people who are always looking for their next relationship - marriage being the biggest relationship. I kind of put it on the level of an addict looking for their next high - I mean, let's face it, love/like/lust, whatever you want to call it, feels good. I guess I can't fault anyone for wanting more and chasing after it. I just think that maybe that time would be better spent chasing a high you don't need anyone else to give you.

the sensitive art of seduction

Physical seduction is the first impression one form gives to the other. It evokes carnal desires (sexual/reproductive) by creating and displaying a visual stimuli: women flash pieces of bare skin like the rounds of the breast to conjure up sexual memory and tight jeans to show off the smile of the apple bottom curves that bounce back when slapped and men display strength, sexual prowess, and monetary capital. Though purely animal and aggressive in its M.O., subtly is needed as to not scare off its prey. This seduction is good for temporary situations and (almost) instant gratification.

Platonic seduction is the secondary impression that transcends the physical and aims to create a possibility for a longer and deeper engagement of time together. Though by no means second in importance, since it is a desire of domestication, this type of seduction requires time and patience. It is charged by the need to display a preview of domestic bliss. Both parties set off to show the other their "home life" skills: cooking, fixing things, entertaining. This is where I take a quote from Buffy for the perfect description: in this type of seduction the individuals are "building a foundation for future bliss".

Both seduction stages are broken down further by compatibility vs. chemistry: chemistry is the basis for physical seduction and compatibility is the basis for the platonic seduction. Chemistry fizzles whereas compatibility doesn't (as long as the individuals continue to grow together). Many times, the physical seduction is the need for a simple exchange of basic sexual desires and therefore doesn't evolve into an exchange of more substance. However, the evolution from platonic seduction to physical attraction is a delicate change that (sometimes) occurs naturally when two people share intimate pieces of their lives and can reap more rewards in the end.

I've been the girlfriend all of my life. bouncing back and forth from physical to platonic seduction, but this summer I realized that I don't want to be the girlfriend anymore. Because a part of growing up is learning about yourself - who you are, who you want to be, and what kind of people you want around you - I've thrown myself into what everyone else has been doing for most of their young lives: dating.

More accurately: not creating situations where the possibility of a relationship is likely to occur. But don't think I'm the queen of bad relationships or something; most have been amazing, all but one. You know what I mean, that one crazy relationship everyone is allowed...the relationship tax write-off. You know what I mean. Don't front. :)

Anyway, allow me to elaborate on the previous statement...I have become completely self-involved.

In fact, I think we can all benefit from a little more "me" priorities.
As I get ready to move to San Francisco and begin grad school, I think about the next 2 years - what I'll be doing, what I'll be working on, what I'll be trying to achieve. These next 2 years are going to be all about me, my education, and the goals I've set and ones I have yet to set.

Of course, my friends and family are important and those relationships will not be neglected, but the boyfriend thing...well, I think that can be placed on the mantle for a while. And if I choose to, I can always bring it down and re-evaluate. Until then, I'll be spending my days in school, sharing the warm company of books, hearing the musical laughter of my friends and smiling every step of the way.

It's Hard to Find the Right Fit

Dating…perhaps the world’s biggest fitting room. I recently discovered that dating is like trying on clothes, particularly shoes since they’re the trickiest. They can look so good on display, but you won’t know how they’ll fit or feel until you actually try them on. And, after careful thought and review, I’ve come to the conclusion that there are 4 types of people (which to I will refer as shoes) out there: casual, dressy casual, office/work, and fancy.

1) The casual shoe is the most basic piece; it goes with almost everything. It’s nothing special really, just one of those things you have around because you haven’t tossed it yet. Doesn’t cause much trouble, but doesn’t excite much either. No fuss, no muss.

2) The dressy casual is a step up from the casual and primarily comes in the form of your cute suede flats that give your jeans a girly, feminine feel. It’s the one article that separates you from the boys. They’re fun, easy, and never let you down.

3) The office/work shoe is that sad pair you have because of some sort of code you had to abide by. They are bulky and only serve a functional purpose; why those are still in your closet remains a mystery.

4) The fancy shoe is, of course, the heel. All heels: the pumps, the platforms, the sexy strappy heels you put on when you’re feeling, well, a bit frisky. They are the ultimate in femininity. They’re extremely easy on the eyes, but not necessarily on your soul; yes, I spelled that right.


Now, let’s break down these shoes as people...

1) The casual shoe is that person you hooked-up with a long time ago, but kept around because, as it turns out, they’re pretty cool…even if you really don’t use them anymore. This relationship is totally platonic; no more flirting, no touchy-feely moments, nada.

2) The dressy casual shoe is yet another person you hooked-up with a while ago, but not that long ago. You maintain a fun and flirty relationship with them because – let’s face it - they still look good. Because they’re good, but not a star, you’re not necessarily looking to put them back in the game every day, but if you’re in a tight situation, they’re your safety.

3) The office/work shoe is basically the one you took for the team. You didn’t really want to do it, but they were there and all your friends were there and you decided to try it out. Afterwards, realizing that’s not what you’re about, you quit, but, somehow, they’re still around.

4) The fancy shoe is that juicy piece of meat you just want to sink your teeth into. This one you bring out as much as possible. You can’t get enough of this shoe…even if they do pinch your feet and you curse them to hell for causing you so much pain. You will take it and like it because they’re so fucking hot. These are the best shoes you’ll ever have.

All of these shoes/people serve a purpose in our lives. We either pick that shoe or become that shoe. It’s just the circle of dating we go round and round in because we won’t know what we like until we try them all on. It’s a trying-on of different types of people, if you will.

Now you ask, “But which style is the perfect fit?”

Well, my friend, that is entirely up to you.


*written in 2007.

new york yesteryear

Whenever I walk down the crowded streets of New York, or when I'm on the train, or when I randomly happen to see myself still existing on bricks and mortar as I swim past all the din of the city, I remember..."I lived here".

I remember that there was once a girl who lived this life.

My East Coast past never seems to sink in and most of the time it all feels like a dream - a dream that, when in the moment, didn't feel like it was ever going to end and now that it's over doesn't feel like it ever really happened at all.